just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
