Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
