Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
