I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
