I just pynch a tree in the face
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
