so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
