i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
