i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
