even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
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We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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