we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
