i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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