The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
