I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
sarcasm needs its own font
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
