theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Farmville is her only friend.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
