She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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