can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
