He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
