I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
pop tarts are not kleenex
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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