You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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