I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
