all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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