I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
