he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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