your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You can't die you're my only democrat family member