My boss' voice literally gives me gas
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro