Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
zippers are such a cool invention
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA