onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dignity is for republicans.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
