What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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