come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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