1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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