he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
