3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
