clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
