i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
