Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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