If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
