I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
