Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
