I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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