1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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