For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
