one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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