My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
