dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
