I met the friendliest cop last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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