he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
