She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
