so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
