Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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