It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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