can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just pee around me
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
