plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
