ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
