Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
