Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
