She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
