shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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