dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
