I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
