i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
