i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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