one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
