ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
