Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
