I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
